10 Ways to Survive in a Horror Movie

After seeing Hollywood’s latest attempt at a horror movie, The Roommate, it’s clear that the genre has become hideously cliche. We see the same thing time and time again. Basically, if you follow a few guidelines you will be spared in a horror movie…

  1. Be dirty. Refrain from taking showers, especially if you’re female. It’s better to smell and be alive than to have been suffocated by the shower curtain.
  2. Be thorough. Don’t just shoot/stab the villain once and pat yourself on the back. They’re not dead and they will lunge.
  3. Do a background check. When purchasing a new home, don’t be afraid to question why the house is so cheap. People aren’t that nice. It’s probably built on a cemetery or some sort of Indian burial ground.
  4. Look ahead. Don’t look back at the monster while you’re running away. They’re going to appear right in front of you when you turn around.
  5. Just say no. Don’t have sex. If you do, you’re signing your death warrant. Besides, virgins never die.
  6. Don’t ask questions. If you hear something creeping in the dark, don’t yell, “Who’s there?” They’re going to respond by killing you.
  7. Stay in the car. It’s inevitable that your getaway vehicle is going to break down or run out of gas. When it does, don’t go looking for help. The first house you see is the home of a demented surgeon looking to turn you into a sick science experiment. I’m looking at you Human Centipede
  8. Be smart. Don’t go outside when you know there’s a zombie apocalypse.
  9. Ditch the parentals. If you find out there is a curse on your family, change your name and move away.
  10. Don’t mock the locals. They may be inbred and hideous, but they can also hold a mean grudge.

 

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