Oh 90210, I have missed you, two weeks is just too long of a wait. I’m probably going to die during the long winter hiatus…no television = angry Kate.

Laurel / Oscar / Ivy / Dixon

The visual we’re slapped with first is Ivy and Oscar post-coitus. Insert Phoebe Buffay scream, “MY EYES! MY EYES!” Has anyone else noticed that seems to during every morning-after scene, the girl gets up and puts on some article of clothing with her back to the camera so just in case someone is slow, they can see that she’s naked. And then she just goes about her daily business bra-less. These scenes are usually met with an awkward encounter with either a parent and/or an ex and the girls are going completely free.

Oscar, you homewrecker, you. Sleeping with your friend to get back at your friend’s mother, who you slept with to get back at her for sleeping with your father and as a result of your father’s infidelity, your mother left your father…sounds like the perfect plan. Now that you have successfully pulled off your master plan, doesn’t this mean you’re leaving? Please say “yes.”

P.S. Grow up Ivy, Oscar’s ugly. And yes your mom is a whore.

Liam / Annie / Charlie

Liam is in desperate need of work. So desperate that he agrees to pose in a window and help customers at a clothing store…oh yeah, and he’s shirtless the entire time. Enter cougar who needs a errand runner and she’s offering him residence in her pool house a la Ryan Atwood in The O.C. Earth to Liam, people are not this nice. People suck. There’s got to be something else going on…surprise! She’s the mother of your “girlfriend” who is bat crazy for you.

Dear Charlie, I’d like you to make your exit from the Hills immediately. Annie may be so caught up in your French skills and your screenwriting abilities that she is blind to the fact that the only purpose of your character is to be a cock-block between her and Liam. I’m not that jaded. Please leave.

The half-bros also sport strange scars on their bodies that are reminiscent of serious fingernail scratches. I’m sensing this isn’t some sort of dual S&M thing, but this is tv land, I could be wrong.

Naomi

I probably should care more about the rape storyline since it’s a pretty serious issue, but I really don’t. I’m not the biggest fan of Naomi, she’s a watered-down version of Annalynne McCord’s character on Nip / Tuck. Ryan admits that he saw Mr. Cannon close the drapes the night Naomi was raped. Naomi and Silver visit Jen and the new baby with a teddy bear as a gift. Sensing that there may be a nanny-cam hidden in the teddy, Jen tears it to shreds with a knife…a part of me died watching the fluff massacre. After the demolition of the teddy, Jen finds out via baby monitor about the rape. Hopefully this storyline will be coming to a close soon, but I have a feeling it may be a season-long affair.

Navid / Adrianna & Silver

Adrianna’s creep of a boss forces her to pose topless for a photoshoot. She insists that she made the decision herself, but in a [completely original] surprise twist, Silver left her camera running at the shoot-site and captured CreepBoss coercing Ade into stripping. Ade finally admits to Navid that she stole songs from her deceased music partner and CreepBoss is threatening to go public. He forgives her, things are all good again, cue the sarcastic applause. Silver needs a legit storyline and she also needs to grow out her hair. I’m not digging the pixie cut.

I am so glad that my guilty pleasure television show keeps getting better. It’s easier to argue with people now that it’s a show worth watching.