REVIEW: The Last Song

I want my nine dollars back. But seriously. The Last Song had to be one of the most horribly acted films I have seen in my life. If you are able to look past the fake crying and the hoards of teen boys fawning over the new girl in town aka Miley Cyrus, you can see a hint of a real story. However the beauty of the story line gets lost in the forest of Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth. These are the two people who I place full blame on for the monstrosity of a movie The Last Song was. Between Miley’s “I-just-smoked-sixty-packs-of-cigs” voice and Liam’s mismatched eyebrow/hair combo, I hardly concentrated on Nicholas Sparks’ tale and instead focused on the mistakes of the casting director. Greg Kinnear as Steve is the only actor who gave a bearable performance. But I guess if I had Miley as a daughter I’d be pretty fed up and exasperated too.

The Last Song tells the story of piano prodigy Ronnie Miller (Cyrus) who moves to North Carolina to spend the summer with her father, Steve. Due to her parents’ divorce, Ronnie is pissed at her father for leaving them, gives him hell by acting out and refuses to play the piano anymore (something that connected herself and Steve). She meets Will Blakelee (Hemsworth) a beach-volleyball playing stud who sweeps her off her feet. Will’s family is loaded and Ronnie has a hard time fitting in with his high class world. Ronnie and her brother Jonah learn that *shocker* Steve has cancer and is pretty much on his death bed. Ronnie has a change of heart and stays with Steve while he dies. She finishes a composition of his and plays it at his funeral aka the LAST SONG. Look how that worked out! There’s also an arson and theft story lines sprinkled in but basically all you need to know is that Ronnie is stupid.

I am usually such a sucker for corny romantic crap, but this movie had me laughing rather than “aw-ing”. Who carves initials into a tree trunk after a day? Who legitimately falls in love within a matter of days? Are you really allowed to pull someone into an aquarium tank? That sounds highly unsanitary. I have no heart of stone. I cry at the drop of a hat. But somehow even the knowledge of Steve’s impending death had no impact on me. My floodgates alone remained securely locked during the entire movie. Do you have any idea how awkward it is to be the only one in packed theater who isn’t balling their eyes out? I felt like the Ice Queen, but no, I am actually the only person in the theater who realized how horrible the film truly was. No matter how hard Miley tries to shed her Disney Channel rep and Hannah Montana fame, she is never going to be able to. It’s been years since Lizzie McGuire ended, but Hilary Duff is still Lizzie McGuire in my eyes. Shia LaBouf is still Louis Stevens and Zac Efron will always be that-guy-from-HSM. Disney labels are forever. Face it.

My assessment? Don’t waste your money. Don’t even wait until you can illegally watch a pirated version online. It’s 108 minutes you’ll never get back.

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REVIEW: Twilight Saga: New Moon

Last night I joined the masses of uber-excited teen girls at the midnight premiere of Twilight Saga: New Moon. I was preparing myself to absolutely hate the experience of watching a movie whilst people screamed “OHMYGOD EDWARD I LOVE YOU!” every three seconds…because this is what I experienced at the Twilight premiere. But to my surprise, the audience was mostly calm and just sat and watched the film. Thank you, it was much appreciated.

So…IT WAS AWESOME. But really, after the suck-fest that was the first movie, things could only improve. There was no annoying blue tint, the Cullens still looked vampiricly pale but not to the point where you could see the makeup caked on, the acting was a million times better and actually seemed sincere, and Taylor Lautner was shirtless 90% of the movie *insert fangirl squee here*.

There are a few things I would like to address about the movie: First, I understand that making a pack of wolves look realistic is a challenge…but seriously, those CGI wolves looked as fake as MJ’s nose (RIP by the way). Secondly, Mr. Pattinson, you are aware that Taylor Lautner packed on 30 pounds of muscle, right? Which implies the fact that you could probably do laundry on his washboard abs…? So when you got your chance to shine shirtless, would it have been that difficult to shave and/or wax your chest? There was simply no competition. Taylor owned. Word. Third, why must Jasper look so creepy? Yes, he is having a harder time controlling himself around humans, but does that call for wacked out hair and a permanent maniac expression? I don’t know how the other Cullens could be around a face like that, family or not. Finally, if you are worried about the lack of Edward in this movie, you seriously don’t miss him that much. I personally hated Jacob in the books (Team Edward all the way), and yet I strangely liked his storyline in the movie (that could just be Taylor…but that’s besides the point).

Even if you are extremely against the whole Twilight phenomenon, it’s worth seeing (if not only to laugh at CGI wolves). But if you are a “Twilighter”, you will definitely not be disappointed. Only 7 months and some odd days until Eclipse!

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REVIEW: Paranormal Activity

Being the huge horror movie buff that I am, I joined the masses in viewing Paranormal Activity last Friday. If you have a weak stomach, this movie is definitely not for you. You’d think I would have done my research and known that Paranormal Activity uses  a hand-held camera a la The Blair Witch Project  before I paid my $9.25 and sat in the middle of a full row of a packed theater. Long story short, not only did those around me get to hear my girlish gasps of horror and the occasional outburst of “okay, idiot…are you seriously going to open that door?”, they also got the privilege to witness me tossing my cookies not once, not twice, but three times into popcorn buckets (thank you roomies).

Do not continue to read if you don’t want to be spoiled. The basic premise of the movie is follows: a young couple, Micah and Katie, decide to move in together. But little does Micah know that Katie has been haunted by a demonic spirit since childhood. You’d think that’d be a detail about your life you’d want to divulge before playing house with your man. Micah decides it would be cool to catch all of the paranormal activity happening in their home by setting up a video camera to record it all. But all this does is tick off the evil presence after Katie. Again, to make a long story short: The demonic thingy-ma-jig gets so peeved with Micah that it possesses Katie. And she kills him. Muahahahaha.

Despite the hand-held camera technique, overall I felt this film was decent. The film used some unique spook techniques, even though I reacted in a normal way for me: seeing my dinner in reverse. It may seem like it moves slow at first, but all of the events culminate really well in an ending that definitely shocks you. If you are spooked easily, I would highly recommend not waiting until it comes out on dvd and watching it alone in your room. The final image of demon/creep/Katie smiling devilishly at the camera over Micah’s body is one you won’t be able to shake for a while.

~ Kate

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