What I’m Loving Wednesday: 7/14/15

First things first, I’m writing this on my new laptop: a very lovely (and now very pink) MacBook Air. I got so used to using a computer than dies after half an hour, so I’m super pumped about this new addition to my life. Kudos to my parental unit. I’ve been actively web-surfing, listening to music, and writing for over an hour and it’s only used 15 percent of the battery. Kate is very happy. And as usual I’m loving iced vanilla Americanos, because my body runs on coffee and sarcasm.

What I’m listening to: Babes in Toyland soundtrack

p6610_d_v7_aaWhile transferring music between laptops, I unearthed some gems that I have no recollection of buying. Among these included the soundtrack to the Arthur musical episode (HAVING FUN ISN’T HARD WHEN YOU’VE GOT A LIBRARY CARD!) and the soundtrack to the 1961 theatrical version of Babes in Toyland. This was one of the video cassettes I watched religiously as a kid and I’m loving the nostalgia. Brings back memories of my grandparents’ freezing cold basement and Ovaltine. I’m fighting the urge to watch a YouTube version, that’s technically not illegal downloading, right?

What I’m watching: Sense8

Netflix_Sense8_promo_artSince summer means tv options are pretty limited, I turned to trusty Netflix for new shows (not that I need to add any more to my schedule). After trying very hard to get into Bloodline and Daredevil, I had almost given up on Netflix, but then I read a lot of buzz about their new sci-fi drama, Sense8. The program was compared to LOST, which of course, is one of my favorite shows ever. In a nutshell, Sense8 is about eight strangers around the world who become sensates (get it?) aka they become linked mentally and emotionally linked. When one is in danger, another can show up and kick their adversary’s ass. When one is having sex it turns into a group orgy. That was an awkward scene. And when one is singing karaoke, they all have that annoying sensation when you get a song stuck in your head and can’t get it out. The show is slow to start and it’s not one of those you can just have as background distraction, you actually need to pay attention. But the pay off is good and the program is quality.

What I’m reading: “Wild,” by Cheryl Strayed


Technically I’ve been reading this for months (I got distracted by the Divergent trilogy), but I’m trying to finally finish it. I’ve heard from multiple sources that the book is better than the movie, which I enjoyed), but it’s taking me a while to get into it. I’m about halfway through and part of me kind of wants to give it up. But, hey, it’s good for inspirational quotes and the perfectionist in me never leaves a book half-read. Even though I blog for myself, I’ve never really read them. Lately while searching for some recovery inspiration, I’ve come across some good ones. I’m currently loving Julia’s “Lord Still Loves Me.” She’s quite a few years younger than me, but has such a good view on recovery and life beyond an eating disorder.

No Longer a “Cassie”

skins-cassie-10This time last year I was back in residential treatment for my eating disorder. During that time I wrote a blog post entitled “Life as a Cassie,” talking about how I related to the Skins character of Cassie Ainsworth and the struggle with her anorexia.

Skins romanticized Cassie and her condition and her “I didn’t eat for three days so I could be lovely” and her savior Sid who wooshed in her life and inspired her to eat. I was so desperate for my own Sid I didn’t begin to think that maybe I needed to be my own savior. I didn’t need someone texting me “EAT” or spelling the word out with French-fries. I needed to fight back to that voice in my head telling me not to. It’s time for me to stop looking for my Sid externally. It’s time to turn that inward.

I openly admit that I glorified my eating disorder. It took me nearly two years for me to acknowledge that being a diagnosed anorexic made me feel special. I felt powerful. It made me unique. But most of all, it was something that I was good at. Life as a “Cassie” isn’t pretty. It’s hell. It’s only eating enough to stay out of the hospital. It’s lying to yourself and others 24/7. It’s lonely. It’s sad. It’s nothing anyone would want. I have no enemies, but if I did I wouldn’t wish this on them in a million years.

I’m sitting here in quasi-recovery, sipping my signature Americano with sugar-free vanilla syrup, trying to convince myself that I didn’t want that chocolate-covered graham cracker square I saw at Caribou. I’m fighting the urge to go to the cupboard and grab a handful of chips. I’m scrolling through Instagram and seeing the photos of those I met in treatment who are now living full, happy lives. I’m so jealous I can’t even describe. I hate how weak eating makes me feel when it should make me feel strong.

I’m no longer a “Cassie,” and I’m equal parts happy and sad. My eating disorder isn’t fun anymore. It means spontaneous ER visits and weekly weigh-ins. It means a loss of trust from my parents and those who care about me. It means crying over that scoop of froyo or fighting hunger cues even when my stomach is screaming at me for nourishment.

“I’m not where I used to be, but thank god I’m not where I used to be.” I’m no longer in denial and every day I’m clawing my way out of this hole. I’m no longer a “Cassie,” I’m a Kate, and I’m trying.

What I’m Loving Wednesday: 3/25/15

Fighting writer’s block with something I’ve seen some other blogs do: what I’m loving right now!

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: If you have access to Netflix, add this to your queue right now. If you don’t have access to Netflix, steal someone’s password and add this to your queue right now. UKS is a little comedic gem. The premise may seem silly (A woman who has been kept underground as part of a doomsday cult is rescued and moves to New York City), the cast is brill and the writing is sharp. And it’s from Tina Fey. That alone should be enough of a reason to watch this show.

Community: Four out of the original Greendale Seven returned to the [laptop] screen last Tuesday and made me remember why I am still in love with this show. The last two-three seasons have been at times lackluster, but I am still a loyal viewer to the little show that could. Do I miss Troy and Shirley and *gasp* Pierce? Sure. But I was definitely impressed with how the writers handled the first two episodes. And I was nostalgic and went back and watched seasons 1-3 and laughed like a maniac. Check out season 6 on Yahoo Screen.

Ombré hairstyles: I attempted an ombre this past week and it turned out red. Yes, I am a ginger Asian now. So I am so jealous of those celebs with dark hair that are currently pulling it off. See below, Shay Mitchell and Jamie Chung. Super jealous.

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Thought Catalog: For the past few months I’ve attempted to write a column to contribute to this amazing online pub, and I haven’t succeeded. I’ve found several articles that I’ve passed along to friends and they’ve all been super moved by the content. (This one in particular) Like the name suggests, Thought Catalog has such a great collection of stories about people and their lives. Maybe one day I’ll get a byline. A girl can dream.

Fifth Harmony, Reflection: I’m a sucker for boybands. I’m a sucker for girlbands. I’m a sucker for good pop music. I let myself get sucked into Little Mix and now I’m loving their American twin, Fifth Harmony. The music isn’t anything too special, just your bread and butter boppy pop, but it’s becoming a staple in my early morning and afternoon drives. Check out “Worth It” or “Top Down” and bob your head accordingly.

Life as a “Cassie”


Fasten your seat-belts kiddies because I’m about to throw you ball out of left field. That’s right, I’m actually going to talk about my feelings.

As a kid, I basically had to light someone on fire to get attention from my parents. I was a well-behaved, A student with the average moral compass of a straight-laced teen . I generally flew under the radar and due to my handy-dandy perfectionist personality, rarely approached the parentals for help. Their attention was mainly focused on my tornado of a sister and as someone who generally thrives on being a wallflower, this situation worked to my advantage.

Due to the lovely economy and the thrifty thing known as the journalism field, I became unemployed in January 2013. And in its absence, my body decided that it needed to create a new profession, a new way to pass the time, and it surfaced by way of an eating disorder.

I’m the girl who had to run out of her psych class because she couldn’t handle the video where the bulimic listed everything she ate in her last binge. I’m the girl who looked at pictures of anorexic models and scoffed at how anyone could think that was healthy. I was the girl who basically thought, “I’m way too smart for that to happen to me.”

Well, it did. And I spent six months in and out of rehab in an attempt to kick ol’ ED out for good. My first rehab facility should have been subcategorized as a prison because their no phone/laptop policy nearly killed me. As someone who hates to be inside their own head, music, movies/television, have always provided the perfect outlet in which to escape. I can safely say that these three things have helped keep me sane. I was officially diagnosed with anorexia (binge/purge subtype) and orthorexia in July and it’s been a downward spiral of misery.

A character I’ve been relating to a lot lately is Cassie Ainsworth from generation 1 of Skins. The oldest, mostly forgotten daughter, Cassie is introduced as fresh out of rehab for her eating disorder and still struggling with her urges to not eat. She goes as far as hallucinating the boy she likes giving her messages telling her to, “EAT!” Eccentric and stubborn, she would later flee to New York after the death of a friend. She’s always been my favorite character from the series, and one of my favorites in general. Her eating disorder is romanticized (which I don’t agree with, beeteedubs), she claims not to have eaten for three days so she “could be lovely” for a date. But I appreciate and understand her struggle.

In her centric episode in season two, Cassie voices this to her exam proctor, I stopped eating and then everyone had to do what I said. That was powerful…I think it was the happiest time of my life. But I had to stop before I died because otherwise it wasn’t fun. This exchange has been in my head for several days now and I’ve been working through why it’s resonating with me. I don’t consider myself a petty person, but I am stubborn as all hell. And as much as I hate to admit it, I got more attention from my family this summer than I’ve probably gotten in my entire life. This attention was completely warranted, and as an independent person I found it irksome, but underneath it was appreciated. Greatly appreciated. I am not suicidal. I do not have a death wish. And yet I still refuse to make the changes that will save my life. I’ve had enough therapists, dietitians, doctors, etc. giving me countless reasons over the course of the past year, but nothing has cemented. Nothing has permeated this shell. And it’s a thick shell. Cassie’s relationship with Sid helps her to focus on her recovery. I don’t have a Sid nor do I want one at the moment, but I haven’t found my symbolic Sid either.

Hi Kate’s Symbolic Sid Jenkins. It’d be great if you’d make yourself present. I’m a bit clueless these days so I’m going to need you to wave neon signs. I’ll be right here waiting.

[EDIT: As of April 16, 2014, I am making the decision to check myself back into inpatient treatment. Maybe my Sid is closer than I thought…

Follow-up: No Longer a “Cassie” ]

In defense of Fuinn…

The Glee fandom is officially the most petty group of viewers I have ever been a part of. Just read the comment section after Entertainment Weekly or E!Online posts spoilers or recaps, it’s completely nuts. And the main source of this division, like most fandoms, is shipper wars. Now, I would love to take the next 300 words or so to bitch about how much I despise all things Finchel and how I enjoy Glee significantly less when they are together. I would so love to do that, but I’m not. If you are a true fan of a show, you will not stop watching just because your OTP is no more and you should be able to show support for your favorites without bringing down fellow ships. And just for the record, I am not delusional enough to believe that Fuinn will be endgame. With what the show has told us, it’s going to be Finchel and (most likely) Quick. Does that make me particularly happy? Not necessarily. Will I throw a fit when Finchel inevitably reunites? Most likely. But for the time being, I am taking the high road and I am simply going to say why I continue to support the highly-hated relationship of Finn Hudson & Quinn Fabray.

1. The First Cut Is the Deepest (yes, I went there)

I think it’s important to keep in mind that while Finn may have been Rachel’s first love, Rachel was not his. Take a look at the F13 of season one. There is a reason why Finn was so supportive of Quinn when he thought she was carrying his baby. There is a reason why he brought her the baby blanket. There is a reason why he was so hurt when Babygate went down. I don’t deny that Finn also loved Rachel, but he loved Quinn first. And there is no reason why his love for Quinn is/was not just as pure and true as his love for Rachel.

2. They could be great if given the proper chance

This season’s superbowl episode, The Sue Sylvester Shakedown, proved that Fuinn has the potential to be a power couple not just at McKinley but the fandom in general. And while they have ability to bring the worst out in each other, they also inspire the other to be brave. Man, I’ve gone soft, that was so cliche- but so true. The pessimist in me is saying that after their current little stint is over, they will probably never be revisited. And that’s a complete shame because there is so much potential here…we just need the right writers to pull it off.

3. They never really got over each other…

…and they probably never will. If Fuinn gets anything positive out their renewed relationship in the end, it needs to be closure. And it needs to be told in a way where the relationship ends on their own terms and not because of a third party (Rachel, Jesse, Puck, Sam, etc). They have been a part of each other’s lives for too long to not be able to at least be good friends.

So ends my Fuinn sermon. Now I can go back to hating Finchel in peace…silently, of course.

Why I Will Never Be a Fan of Pacey / Joey

While surfing the web, I came across a list of “TV Couples That Should Have Never Gotten Together.” Included on this list was one my ultimate OTP’s, Dawson and Joey. And no. Just no. This is entire site is hereby discredited by this severe lapse in judgment.

Not only did this particular couple have the most epic love story (rivaled only by Brooke and Lucas of One Tree Hill), despite not ending up together, they got the most beautiful swan song of any star-crossed pair in television history. At least in my eyes they did, but I am rather biased. I admit it.

DJ are soul mates. Plain and simple. She pined over him for years before the lights turned on and he realized they’re meant to be. They see the best in each other when others don’t. She’s the stereotypical girl-next-door with a tomboy streak and he’s the aspiring filmmaker who lives in a fantasy world. Separately, I find them unlikeable and giant pain-in-the-asses. Together they are perfect. Greatest best friends turned lovers storyline ever? I think so.

I will never be a Pacey & Joey supporter. I would even hold up well under torture. PJ are oil and water. That relationship should have drowned to death in the creek as soon as it started. She’s too good for him and he’ll only weigh her down.  They constantly had to reassure the other of their feelings. He made her feel like crap. She made him feel like crap. PJ were fine as frenemies, in fact, I found them wildly entertaining. But as a match made in heaven? Not in my world.

The other reason why I think I’m so vehemently against this pairing is because Pacey and Andie together was my favorite. And they rewrote a lot of history in season four to make it look like Joey was Pacey’s savior. Andie helped him get his first A. Andie made him feel special and loved despite his father’s misgivings. It was Andie who gave him a reason to get up in the morning. Ok. She cheated on him. I get that. But I really don’t believe that a group of talented writers weren’t able to find another purpose for Andie other than to hook her up with Dawson. Her mental illness? Estranged relationship with her father? Her extreme perfectionism? Sorry, but I’m not buying it.

Dawsons is my favorite show of all-time. DJ is my favorite couple of all-time. I am prepared to rant and bitch for hours on end. Bring it on, PJers, I’m not going down without a fight.

Witness the magic…