How Not to Die in a Horror Flick

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I love horror movies. I am one of those rare people who can watch limbs being ripped off and horrific murders without breaking a sweat. Call me disgusting if you will, it’s a gift. I credit this condition to the many crappy “scary” movies I have seen that make me laugh rather than scream. The ones with characters so moronic that you’re actually hoping they will kick the bucket or serial murderers so hideous you cannot bear to look at their ugly mug for another second. In between the massacres with chainsaws and nightmares on Elm Street, I have been able to compile a list of things that will keep you alive if you find yourself in a horror movie situation. They are as follows:

1. Don’t be stupid. The main cause of death in most horror movies is stupidity. If you hear a noise in the attic, don’t go look. When there is an axe murderer outside, don’t go outside. If there is a shark in the water, it might not be the best day to go for a leisurely sail. You’re definitely going to need a bigger boat. [Jaws] If you walk into a creepy room with a hospital bed surrounded by bloody utensils, for the love of God do NOT lie down on the bed. That’s a sure fire way to get your Achilles tendon chopped. Come on Jared Padalecki, this is common sense. [House of Wax] And the winners for stupid decisions: “So, there’s a movie that kills you when you watch it. It probably killed my niece and three of her friends. Well, I’m still going to watch it.” Now you’ve got a decrepit, albino-pale contortionist girl calling you ‘mommy’. How did that work out for you? [The Ring] and “There is a paranormal spirit in my house. The specialist told me not to piss it off. Well, I’m still going to do it.” Now you’re dead. Nice. [Paranormal Activity]

2. Shoot until they’re really dead. While a single bullet to the heart may have been enough to kill Keith Scott in One Tree Hill, most horror movie villains tend to be more invincible. Most victims just shoot/stab/burn/etc. the psychopath once and pat themselves on the back. Do not just stick a hanger in your adversary’s eye and call it a day. [Halloween] Shoot that creeper until he is nothing but a bloody mass on the floor…or at least until you are 500% positive he’s dead. Because most of the times they’re just waiting for their moment to jump out of the lake and attack just when you’re about to find rescue. [Friday the 13th]

3. Believe the kid. They may be young, but most children in scary movies know their stuff. If your daughter starts saying, “They’re here!” creepily and stares at the static on your television, take note parents. This is probably not part of puberty. [The Poltergeist] Do not set free an evil little girl who has been chilling in a well for x number of years, especially if your son (with uber creepy eyes) is whispering, “You weren’t supposed to help her! She never sleeps.” Good job, mom. [The Ring] And if your patient tells you that he can see dead people and you’ve just had a near fatal accident and no one seems to care…DING DING! You’re probably dead. [The Sixth Sense]

4. No one is who they seem to be. Appearances are very misleading. The nice woman you met during a fake movie audition thinks a typical date includes sawing off your foot with a piano wire and plunging acupuncture needles into your eyes. And that’s not S & M buddy, that’s torture. [Audition] The introverted little girl who always gets picked on at your summer camp is capable of committing grizzly murders to those who make fun of her and was biologically born male! Now that’s ballsy…no pun intended. [Sleepaway Camp] And the school freak whose locker you stuffed with tampons and dumped pig’s blood all over at prom has sick telekinetic powers which she will use to extract revenge. [Carrie]

So people, the bottom line is: be smart, use your firearm, make friends with kids, trust no one and you will escape from the murderer/evil spirit unscathed.