Dear Doctor Friends, Please Stop

Whew. It’s been a hot second since I’ve had a good rant. Did you miss me? And this one has been brewing for a while.

I have a lot of friends in the medical field. Nurses, doctors-to-be, researchers, pharmacists…I’m often the odd one out at parties and large groups of friends. As you all know, I’m also tv fiend. Medical shows aren’t my go-to’s, but I enjoy watching them: Grey’s, The Resident, House, Private Practice, just to name a few. The medical field is also a popular profession for main characters in movies—and why not? They save lives. They’re rich. They’re typically unnaturally good-looking. AKA The Perfect Leads.

So, it will inevitably happen that I’ll be enjoying a beautiful declaration of love from Ashton Kutcher outside of a hospital (No Strings Attached), when the moment is ruined by my friend saying, “That’s such a parking violation. You can’t do that at a hospital. Last week at work….” STOP. You’ve ruined the moment for me.

On Grey’s this season, April had hypothermia and was without a heartbeat for 5+ hours and yet, still woke up fine and without brain damage. Just because I didn’t go to medical school, doesn’t mean that I can’t differentiate between what’s possible and what’s not. I didn’t need the 45-minute diatribe against Shonda Rhimes and the Grey’s writing staff.  What matters is that April DIDN’T die and I’m upset they missed this opportunity to axe her character.

I know that hospital personnel do not frequently bed each other in the on-call room. If a doctor comes to work drunk, they obviously aren’t given a banana bag and told to wait around until their blood work is clean. If a nurse walked in on a doctor screwing a patient, they wouldn’t jump in and make it a threesome. (Ok, SOME might. But let’s be real.) That’s an HR issue. That’s highly unethical. I’m not stupid.

In conclusion, to my “Smart Friends”: Let me have this. From what I can tell from your work stories, your average work day has the potential to be just as boring as mine. I want to watch a show that makes me suspend my disbelief just a little. I want weird medical cases. I want unnecessary drama. I want to watch desperate doctors cut l-vad wires to move their boyfriend up the transplant list.

I love you all—but please shut up. Let me spend an hour gazing at Matt Czuchry in peace.

The 20-year-old [House] Virgin

Okay, I admit it: I’m a House virgin. Well, was a House virgin. My metaphorical cherry was popped Tuesday went I tuned in for the season premiere. My knowledge of the show was limited. I knew Hugh Laurie stars, he uses a cane, it’s a medical show and every weird or unusual case seems to end up at his hospital or Seattle Grace.

Keep in mind that I went into this completely blind. I am in no way a House expert, I wouldn’t even consider myself a fan at this point.

The episode opens in a bathroom. Great start here. I’m assuming House was once a pill addict? His lady friend pulls him into a bedroom and proceeds to undress him. This guy is by no means out of shape but let’s just say he’s no Chace Crawford. She pulls down his pants and there is a nasty wound. I’m assuming that’s the reason why he needs the cane…? He expects her to be revolted but don’t worry buddy, she loves you. Pardon me while I gag.

Lovely, a sex scene. Something about watching over 40s pre and post coitus makes me cringe. That’s just about the time in life where things become droopy where they shouldn’t and Viagra and penis pumps come into play. These characters also often have kids around my age, which makes me think of my parents and then I am even more disgusted than I was before and I want to claw my eyes out. Damn my psyche.

Sweet opening credits. I love shows that still run opening credits.

We return with the “Hey, that was great” conversation. I found out the girl’s name is Cuddy. I’m found this name hilarious. I think the character House and I would get along. Sarcastic and a tad smart ass, just the way I like it. I’m getting the vibe this couple was a “will-they/won’t-they” a la Rachel and Ross for a while because now they’re having the “What does this mean?” discussion. Whatever they decide to do will happen after he takes a bath. Please not together. Oh but they do.

Hello Alex from the The O.C., it’s weird to see you not making out with Mischa Barton. All I could gather is that her character Dr. Hadley wants to participate in some drug trial and fellow doctor Dr. Foreman is worried about her. I’m sensing she has a terminal disease? Hadley apparently had a thing with Foreman. Do doctors on medical shows have friends outside of the hospital? Are there no potential sig others that don’t wear a white coat?

There is a side storyline with the neurosurgeon I didn’t quite get, so I’m leaving that out.

Meanwhile, more sex. Jdfjierionkfnvuhguiensdcjdfw

Foreman snoops and finds out that Hadley isn’t actually a part of this drug trial and that she has been lying to them all day. House and Cuddy say their goodbyes and exchange “I love you’s”. Cut to frames of both of them having looks of doubt on their faces. Oh the deception.

I don’t know if I am going to start watching the show from its beginning, I think it’s definitely one of those series you need to watch from start to finish to understand. I was mega-confused and I didn’t care about the characters.

Am I intrigued? Sure. Is it worth all the hype? This episode wasn’t. But I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt.